FUNNY GIRL is the life of vaudeville comedienne Fanny Brice (1891-1951), starting in 1910.
Actually the show starts after she has become a success on stage and flashes back to her
origins. It opens in Fanny`s dressing room. She is waiting for her husband, Nick Arnstein,
to return after being in prison. She looks back to when she was a 19-year old hopeful.
Her mother`s poker buddies think she`s wasting her life trying to break into show business.
Mrs. Strakosh:
Fanny, when people pay good money in the the-ay-ter--
especially the male element--they want something to look at!
If a girl isn`t pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
All she gets in life
Is pity and a pat.
Mrs. Brice:
Is a nose with deviation
Such a crime against the nation?
Should I throw her into jail
Or drown the cat?
Mrs. Strakosh, O` Malley and
Meeker:
She must shine in ev`ry detail
Like a ring you`re buying retail,
Be a standard size that
Fits a standard dress.
Mrs. Strakosh:
When a girl`s incidentals
Are no bigger than two lentils
Mrs. Strakosh, O` Malley and
Meeker:
Then to me that doesn`t spell success.
Fanny auditions for Keeney`s Music Hall but Keeney kicks her out of the chorus
because she doesn`t look like the others.
Eddie Ryan, dance director for Keeney, agrees:
Eddie:
If a girl isn`t pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She should dump the stage
And try another route.
Any guy who pays a quarter
For a seat just feels he oughter
See a figger that his wife can`t
Substitute.
Kid, my heart ain`t made of marble
But your rhythm`s really horr`ble
And that map of yours just ain`t no
Valentine.
Everything you got`s about right,
But the damn thing don`t come out right
So forget it, kid,
And just resign.
Chorus:
If a girl isn`t pretty,
If a girl isn`t pretty,
If a girl isn`t pretty,
If a girl isn`t pretty,
If a girl isn`t pretty,
She should get a job,
Go get a job--
Get any job
Get a weekly pay,
`Cause if a girl isn`t pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She`s a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.
