Fireman & Policeman and Mini Putt Security Guard — текст песни (Dane Cook)

When I was a little kid I thought I wanted to be a fireman.
I think a lot of guys- Did you wanna be a fireman when
you were a little kid? People ask you..What do you want to be?
I wanna be a FIREMAN! I didn`t really wanna be a fireman.
I thought I did. I just really wanted to spray shit with a hose.
That`s what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be like a spray-man.
No I was fucking good. I`m not laughing. I was really good with the hose.
I could make it look like if make it feel like it was raining.
If you closed your eyes, you would think it was raining.
That`s how good I was. You`d be like Oh my god it is really raining.
It`s very cold rain. That`s how good I was and I`m not laughing.
You`re laughing, i`m not laughing. I could not be a fire-
If I go to a house and it was fully on fire. Fuck that! I quit.
I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else.
And the woman next to me be like... Please my son,
he`s screaming in there. I`d be like Well he`s probably on fire!
That`s what happens when you`re on fire lady...
What are you doing out here? You fucking think for yourselfer.
Why didn`t you make a map for him or something?

A policeman. I don`t know how they do that job man.
What about those cops in New York. I just saw this on CNN a few days ago.
In New York, these cops freaked out, they shot this guy like 15 times
because they said they thought he had a grenade.
He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up?!
Unless he was eating it like OOOOO (takes bite, throws pear)
THAT`S A DELICIOUS PEAR!

I had one uh job that was kinda cop-like.
One summer I did uh security at a miniature golf course.
Just standing out in the sun all day...
Hey hey excuse me Sir get your putter out of the whale`s ass!
Come one this is a place of miniature business.
This is not a playground, even though it looks like a playground.