Billy Connolly: Tell Laura I Love Her
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(from the LP The Pick of Billy Connolly)
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER WILL NEVER DIE.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you,
Oh yes, Laura and I were lovers for a long time ladies and gentlemen
`Til God took her away for a special purpose of his very own.
I must admit I was a bit cheesed off at the time.
I had a special purpose in mind myself.
But there you go.
Oh, sure, we`d lovers tiffs like anybody else.
Like the time, in a moment of weakness, I sunk
and I bought a dirty magazine.
And in that magazine, ladies and gentlemen,
I read about erogenous zones.
In a very sly way, ladies and gentlemen,
I invited Laura over to my place, ostensibly for coffee and cookies.
And we were sitting on the sofa,
and we were necking, ladies and gentlemen, necking.
And I guess I must have touched one of her erogenous zones,
ladies and gentlemen,
Because she kneed me in one of mine.
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER
WILL NEVER DIE.
Oh ladies and gentlemen, I can`t tell you,
How could I ever forget
that day God took Laura away for a special purpose of his own.
We were downtown shopping for Laura`s mum.
She wanted some rubber bedclothes and an inflatable man.
Strange woman Laura`s mum.
But anyhow, we were walking hand in hand down Main Street
When a child ran onto the road, ladies and gentlemen.
I said Oh my God, my nerves! and I covered my eyes
I guess I`m that kind of guy.
But Laura, who was made of stronger stuff than I,
dashed onto the road to save that child.
Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell you,
the child made it to the other side
and turned round and said Eee eu eee-e eh-eu
but Laura didn`t.
She made it to the white line in the centre of the road,
ladies and gentlemen,
when a juggernaut came around the corner sideways and flattened her.
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
(I blame myself, I blame myself)
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER
WILL NEVER DIE.
Oh ladies and gentlemen, how can I tell you,
Some nights I lie awake, awash with sweat,
as I hear the exact noise those lorries made when they flattened Laura
It was a sorta SPLAT
You know the noise you get
When you stick a straw up a frogs bum and blow really hard
I blame myself
I wanna tell you, ladies and gentlemen
Main Street was not a pretty sight
There was bits of Laura everywhere
I remember, two bits were sliding down the post office window
And a big Alsatian came around the corner
and made off with another couple of bits
And it was with a heavy heart
And a tear in either eye
I searched, and I searched
but I couldn`t find the bit I was looking for!
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER
WILL NEVER DIE.
